I am starting this blog to help to motivate myself even more on this weight loss journey. I started just after Christmas 2009 and I know it will be a long journey but one I lknow will be worth it in the end. This has been a long time coming....

Wednesday, 26 May 2010


I really do apologise now for this blog post but if I don't type then I feel I may explode.

Feeling very hurt and confused today. Mum's in a bad place at the moment mentally and physically and it's really really affecting me now too, which in turn is affecting me and Mr B. I'm a natural worrier which doesn't help matters, plus I do suffer from bouts of depression every so often. Well this time its hit big style.

I can't function properly or do anything properly. I feel worthless and stupid. Every time I ring mum up I don't get chance to talk about anything nice or other subjects apart from how she is feeling and how rubbish her day was/is and how tired and crap she feels. I feel very guilty for saying that and it hurts me. I'm not a selfish person by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes I feel like saying "what about me?". My mood instantly changes as soon as I hear her voice and pick up on how she is. I feel bad for moving out last year, but I love Mr B too much and I want us to be living together and I don't want to push him away.

I have spent a good while this morning just sat crying for no other reason than feeling sorry for myself and not seeing an end to this.

I keep having very dark and scary thoughts and dreams too which aren't helping. I'll not go into it on here as I don't think it's fair on my lovely blog friends.

Work isn't helping at all. I am running the building while my boss is out of the office which has been the whole month of May. Normally I can cope with this and everything is OK, but this time because of everything at home I can't cope. I go to bed dreading the next day at work even though in my heart of hearts I know I can do it.

I'm so so sorry for this, I'll be myself again soon I promise

Lex xxx


  1. Don't apologies at all - it helps to get it all out.

    I hope you feel better soon, I don't think you appear selfish at all. It can't be easy hearing negatives from someone all of the time. Hope your Mum feels better soon too.

    Take care of yourself x

  2. I really feel for you.

    You cannot feel bad for how your mum is or moving out. You have to live your life as you want to. My mum had a stroke about 5 years ago and has never been the same since, she doesn't remember who I am and its so hard to talk with her and she cries a lot. The only thing I can suggest is to become in a way detached emotionally when she is telling you about her day etc, I know that sound harsh but otherwise you will make yourself sick. Listen but don't take on the burden, there is nothing you can do to change it and holding on to your mums words/moods is not good for anyone. Look after yourself and your Mr B, it is not selfish what your saying, surround yourself with more positive people and remember that you need time for you too.


  3. I can only reiterate what has been said above, and send you a big virtual hug!
    be kind to yourself xx

  4. I totally sympathise with you. Your so not alone on this. I could have written your post myself. I have 3 children, 2 jobs, a house to run, and on top of this a mum who has literally done NOTHING since dad died 5 years ago. She relies of me for cleaning her bungalow every week. She doesnt even put her bin out for the bin men. I feel guilty if I forget to do it, and I, like you are not selfish at all, but I get so angry when my 3 other so-called siblings do nothing at all to help her. I only had one day off last week and I spent that on my hands and knees cleaning mums bathroom. Yesterday I took her food shopping...hoovering tomorrow.... I sometimes despair, and then like you, feel guilty. I sometimes don't know how I cope. Even on my recent holiday, she sent me a depressive text whilst I was on a much needed break. Please dont feel guilty. You sound like a lovely person, and sometimes, we just have to put ourselves first x

  5. Oh lexi you needed a good rant. always feel free to rant away because we are all here to support you xxxxx
    Thank you for your comment on my blog. Congrats on all the weight loss xxx

  6. Never apologise for offloading on your blog. It's a release to write down your feelings and to share with others. The blog might be primarily about diet but everything that happens in our lives affects that and is relevant.
    I do sympathise about the way your mother is just now. It's very difficult to deal with that, especially if you have depression yourself. Goodness knows that's hard enough on it's own to cope with. With your dark cloud hitting and dark thoughts and crying, I would seriously consider seeing your GP. Mine was wonderful when I went with similar problems.
    Try your best to put you first. Take care,